man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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