I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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