remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
