Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
