Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
