She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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