So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
