is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I have fence marks all over my body
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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