I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
