I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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