so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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