my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
