I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
