I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
40s are totally the cure
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
