Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
