His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
