I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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