I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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