Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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