I hate all girls vehemently.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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