Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
