Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
