saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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