I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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