someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize