I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I AM VODKA MAN
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
