i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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