Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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