that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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