We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize