I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I need a burrito and a hug.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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