i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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