When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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