I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
