went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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