She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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