Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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