who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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