And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
