I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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