Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
