From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
