I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Found the puke drawer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
