The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
