I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
