There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
