I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
