so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
