Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
