I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
