i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
