I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
