I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
