Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize