He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
